Another August

Full disclosure: I have no idea what happened to most of July.

More disclosure: I suffer from a chronic fatigue that my doctor has yet to be able to help me figure out. Tests and other things have been done, but I feel like I’m getting more and more exhausted.

Because of this, Camp was really hard this month. I barely made it. (Actually, I’m writing this on the last day of the month and I need about three thousand more words, so maybe I make it, maybe I don’t.) Yet what I accomplished I am very happy with. And that is what matters.

On the other hand, because of that and doing this at the last possible moment, I’m not sure what else to talk about this month. Writing about real things has always been difficult for me. If I can’t make something up, I have to think a bit more. Not to say I don’t think about my stories, because I do a lot. Yet it is much easier when I can make it up, because then I already know all aspects of it – I made it up. When I’m forced into our shared reality, I realize how little I know about everything and I hesitate.

Because I could literally research forever. That is easy. I like doing it. But even when I don’t, even when I figure out how to cut myself off from the never ending cycle and just research enough… I forget.

I have looked up the difference between sweet potatoes and yams a score of times. I can remember that in the USA they use the word interchangeably, despite it all being sweet potatoes. I have that in my brain now. But it took me so many times of looking it up to get there. I even had to look it up while writing this, to make sure I was right and I hadn’t mixed them up again.

Why is this? Maybe because I’m tired. Concentration down the tubes, all of that. I think I used to be better at remembering things.

People say that is a part of getting older, but I’m not really that old yet. I know I have a different perspective than most about what constitutes as “old”, but even for the majority of people I wouldn’t be called old.

I love learning, so maybe I can see it as always learning new things, because I have forgotten them. But it also means I learn less things in total, which upsets me greatly, because guess what? I LOVE LEARNING NEW THINGS.

Was there a point to this post? Probably, but I’ve forgotten it. In any case, it is an update and I have accomplished things. Perhaps I could be more efficient. We all could be. I’m working on that. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Champion of the Gods (pt11)

Shu-fang kept herself calm, muscles lax.

“There will always be something to fight! You know this better than the other humans who still easily throw their lives away for that fight. You are my Champion, Shu-fang, no matter who you choose to back. You are another facet of the battle. No matter where you go, what you do, you will find yourself there once more. And so you will Champion me and present me to the world with your victories!”

Shu-fang’s eyes flickered downward against her will. The dirt was peaceful, despite War’s presence. It didn’t feel apt to rise up and attack. That was why the dead usually ended up wrapped away within it. “I’m tired,” she admitted.

What would War say to that? Might War have a word or two that would help her cope with these feelings? That could be all she needed, the ability to cope with this fatigue and move on.

War’s expression told her all, even before the goddess spoke. “There is always more! More to do, more blood to spill! Fatigue passes, but the battle rages on!”

Shu-fang brought her gaze back up. War had never been tired. She never would. There was nothing more for Shu-fang to take from this conversation. No more reason to stay here, other than the fact that War had prompted this situation. Now she had to get away from her.

Perhaps she should have lied, but Shu-fang would not.

Champion of the Gods (pt2)

Just in case they needed further proof, she picked up her sword and broke it in half with her own two hands. The sword was nothing special, the most recent in a very long line of tools that she had borne. Shu-fang didn’t need anything special. The symbolism might be enough though. She hoped so. It would make up the fact that gripping the blade as she had cut into her hands, causing her to bleed.

It meant little to her. Her hands would heal. It didn’t matter what happened to her injuries. Here now, gone later. None of it would kill her.

Nothing could kill her. It was how Shu-fang had lived for thousands of years. Being immortal, being invulnerable.

Shu-fang wiped off her hands, picked up her small bag and left this apartment for good. Someone wouldn’t be happy with the state of how she left it.

She left enough funds behind that hopefully no one would mind.

The world outside went on as it had been before her decision had been made. The sun was bright, people were in a festive mood, and the vibration of the world continued. Shu-fang fit into the crowd easily. No one recognized her as anything different, which meant she could follow the flow and make her way out. Perhaps it would be enough to distract any eyes that were on her now. She bought some festival chains on her way through, placing them about her shoulders. From above, from below, she would seem even more like those around her.

Champion of the Gods (pt1)

“I am retiring.”

The room was completely empty, but for Shu-fang. She still put forth those words without hesitation, loud enough for every corner to capture her words. Because there might be someone listening. Shu-fang had long since been used to anyone being able to hear her.

Today though, she did not want to be misconstrued. The seemingly young woman rolled back her sleeves, tying them out of the way. She had bought a large paintbrush for this occasion, with candy apple red paint. Viewing the white walls of her canvas, Shu-fang dipped her brush into the canister, then drew it back out to write it on the wall.

Shu-fang covered the walls with her message. It was a simple one. I’m done. I’m retired. Don’t come for me. She wrote it in her mother tongues – it had been so long she did not remember which was actually her first language, but she was native enough in many of them it didn’t matter. She added in languages that she did not use as often, but was close to fluent enough in to write it casually as well. She found her tape recorder, her computer, her phone, and recorded the message on all of those as well.

There were many different ways to say it, but Shu-fang kept it simple. She would no longer do the gods’ will.