Month: September 2019

Comes and Goes Without Notice

The burning sensation within my brain

Travelling up from my spine

Not something I could explain

So not to feel it, I so feign

Pulsing crackling spirals

To push me out of line

Scratching my brain, it idles

An invisible, secret block, my trials

 

If I could give you a taste

Of what it’s like to feel this way

I would find it more than a waste

For more than I to be so paced

Maybe none will understand

Not for lack of trying, as they say

This illness gone long out of hand

Isn’t to be grasped in full, it is too grand

 

Struggle to act like it’s no condition

That I am as functional as others appear

I’m not the only one, that’s my admission

Yet it hurts knowing that, like I have no permission

to do worse than them, though I know they hide as well

The same feeling which stems from separates fear

But I’m on no edge, I already fell

I fear I may hit the bottom before the swell

 

I’m not finished

I’m not giving up

This won’t have diminished

My worth or limit

One foot in front

Half full’s the cup

No matter the hunt

Ourselves we confront

A Simple Life (pt19)

It was the first anniversary of her death. Coleen might have forgotten, but their new neighboring town had a celebration about it. Down with the corrupt king and praise to the Faith who had saved them all.

“Could you just see their faces if you went down and joined the festivities?” Emil asked as he took another piece of chocolate Coleen had made off of the plate. He ate it very slowly, likely by forcing himself. If there was one thing Coleen had managed to uphold in this new household it was the rule of no buying chocolates.

He probably ate some while he was out, but there was only so much that Coleen could do. Emil had not started up a new garden yet. Maybe next time they moved she would remind him about greenhouses and they could find a place with one where he could work in it all year long.

Coleen pushed Emil’s feet off of her. “Would be a waste of a death.”

Emil didn’t really suggest he go. He just said what he wanted, as he usually did. He really needed to figure out how to be more tactful to live as a mortal. Some people wouldn’t like him talking to them like that.

“Yes, because after something as public as your death, the first thing they will think is that it is the real King Cole.”

It would not be the first time someone called her a demon.

Piano to Silence

Godless night of inspiration

Temptation of the finest

Slipping through fingers’ tremors

Embers pressing back against

Sounds rising past the surface

Nervous twisting tendons hot

Racing mental powers frantic

Romantic chords spinning wild

Waiting whispers tasting calm

Balm upon the sacrifice

What’s given the inspired

Desired, abandoned, lost

Then the light to save the hand

Brand of fire on the soul

To repeat? Another night

Right inside inspired motion

Married, breathing, the pleasure

Treasure by the tempted sound

A Simple Life (pt17)

Coleen was content with feeling empty.

This was the feeling of fulfillment. She accomplished what she had set out to do. Of course she had not died, but that would have been too good for her. This way she got to see her world realized and her name smeared as far as she had been able to defile it. She would hear word of Ami through Emil’s lips and she would just live.

Not that she had a choice.

The numbness crept from her heart and into her limbs. Maybe she would never be able to do anything more active, she had never been good at that in the first place. Different than her will pushing her onward. She did not need a strong will. She could keep moving on because she could not feel.

Someone had once asked if she felt anything. Now she could truthfully say she did not.

Whoever had asked would never known. Coleen didn’t remember who had asked.

A Simple Life (pt16)

“The roof needs to be repaired,” she told him when Emil finally came out to see what the sound had been.

“Oh. What gave you that impression?”

The knife that pierced through the hard shell that was supposed to be their shelter. That was how the strong took down the weak. Some had forgotten that people wanted the weak to survive. Why else could they then call someone else to get this sort of thing fixed?

“I will have to be elsewhere,” she said. She could not risk everything on a single sight.

“Where should we move to?”

Coleen was not sure how he had come to that conclusion, but did not try to reiterate herself. They did not have to move anywhere. Though perhaps she should. Another place. Somewhere that might not know her face.

But everywhere did. She had made sure of that.

No magic formula

Touching someone’s soul
Is easier than you’d think
Yet not when intentional,
Not when you sink
Into something more than you knew
What you thought
What they link
Into themselves

Touching someone’s soul
Happens when they connect
Not when you want them too,
When you least expect
Them to love what you’ve done, produced
What you live
What you reflect
Out of your own soul

Touching someone’s soul
Can never be intended
Perhaps that is what makes it
More than just splendid,
A touch more than nothing, a touch less than all
What is misunderstood
What is comprehended
From you and them

A Simple Life (pt15)

She had gone outside to check the damage to the roof. The tree branch stuck through the shingles above her room. That would have to be fixed before the rains came. Emil would have to call someone about it, which meant Coleen would have to be elsewhere.

Now that was the question. Where could she go during that time? It had not even been a year yet. Who knew how long it would be until her face was forgotten. The hatred when the usurped king was spoken of… at the very least that would last a long time. It was something she was proud of. People would hate her. That was what she had accomplished. She had fixed everything by making them all hate her.

If they had hated other things before, perhaps things would have been much easier.
Or not. Coleen had to be the only thing who could not be forgiven.

Yet there were three people she knew who did not hate her. Or (even for the one who must) they had forgiven her. Forgiven her in some sick, twisted way.

Emil did not hate her. Then again, Emil had never seemed to hate anyone. He was annoyed at times, but that was as close to hate as he could manage. Emil could never hate her. Something Coleen would just have to live with.

Ami did not hate her either. Coleen did not know if she had forgiven her though.

Maybe Emil was the only person who had forgiven her who did not hate her.

A Simple Life (pt14)

She had often thought that Emil would die when giving her his immortality. He hadn’t helped much with that impression, straight up telling Coleen that if she accepted it one day that he would die.

“Lots of people wouldn’t have thought it possible for someone to seal away immortality either, to keep someone from taking it,” Emil had commented. When had he first said that? Perhaps eight months before, shortly after her death.

Coleen wondered whether he only did this to keep an eye on her. It was not like he needed more of a life to live. While she reminded him constantly of things he should not do now that he wasn’t immortal, he reminded her more often of things that did not matter now that she was.

Maybe he did not want to live a normal life now. Maybe he waited for her to no longer need him.

Coleen would always need Emil. He was the beginning of the end of her numbness. She could feel it when she thought of him. The need of someone to know her, the real her, as only Emil ever had.

(There had been someone else who eventually had, but Coleen did not want to think of that person either.)

A Simple Life (pt13)

Agon was just a game. It did not matter whether she had thought so or not back then. The truth was it had been created for a purpose, but now was only played for entertainment. The knight Lamar had used his Agon match against the Faith for his own amusement. Amusement and a way of determining the Faith’s character.

Emil finished setting everything up. He waited for her to choose her colour.

The white of Faith’s outfit, the white I fit myself into. The red of royalty, the red I forced myself into.

(The red of a certain warrior, a certain knight. The white of Faith once again.)

For the life of her, an immortal life that did not matter, she could not choose between white and red.