Month: November 2017

Mysteries

She had never liked mysteries. You could only read them once, after all, because once it was over you knew everything and it didn’t matter as much.

This was why she was so annoyed when one dropped right in the middle of her life.

“Wouldn’t you rather the mystery be solved and it not be a problem later on?” her best friend asked as they sat in the police station.

She shook her head. “It’s real life now. Who says it’ll be solved?”

“That’s a bit pessimistic, don’t you think?”

“There was a dead person in my house. Damn straight I’m pessimistic.”

Teaching the next generation

He couldn’t help but feel proud, watching his little girl cut the man’s purse from his belt. She nearly bounced her way through the crowd, no one any the wiser. She could barely keep her smile from her face as she stopped in front of him.

He placed his hand on her head, patting it while trying his hardest not to muss up her hair. “Good job, girlie.”

“Should I…?”

He shook his head. “We’ll look through it later, keep it in your pocket right now. We’ll see what you’ve earned yourself later.”

Sliding his hand to her shoulder, they walked side by side away from their mark and toward home, where he would be able to see the spoils she would keep.

And at the end, it really was

In the beginning, I had thought the entire trip would just be the two of us laughing without a care in the world.

That was before the flat tire, of course.

“Get out the spare,” she said, taking control of the situation. She changed it out (with my help) and we were on the way again.

Then the hotel had misplaced our reservation in the hands on some family who had obviously already trashed the room.

“I guess your competitors get our business,” she said, without even blinking. She led me to the next best place, which proved to be the best place by the very fact that they at least accommodated us.

Finally, I was way too nervous. Even after having a great night out, the previous two incidents had freaked me out too much. I’m a big believer in the rule of three, after all. Something else had to go wrong.

“If you put it out there, that’s what you’ll get back,” she said, helping me out of my bra. “Let’s enjoy the rest of the night, ‘kay?”

Perhaps I got a foot cramp which interrupted us, but she started laughing so hard that when the pain passed… I couldn’t help but laugh too.

Thoughts on the World

Sometimes, when she needed to relax, she liked to imagine all the ways she could take over the world. It would be easy, she knew, for someone like her. She would never do it though, because the maintenance of the world was much more than she really wanted to deal with. She could for some time, she knew, but it wouldn’t be much fun.

Still, imagining it was very helpful when she spoke with her coworkers who were obviously on a different level than her. A lower one. Which explained why she had to keep fixing their screw-ups.

There was that one woman though, who screwed up more than anyone could possibly screw up. How could she still have a job? She didn’t know. But imagining taking over the world wasn’t enough to help her relax when she had to deal with the woman.

So she would picture destroying it instead. There would be less to maintain after that, though the initial process would take a lot longer than just taking over the world.

Probably why she didn’t do that either. Doing the same thing for that long would be boring.

Too much of anything

A single instance more is all he asks
Devoured in a moment withing the tasks
Developed by the rest of life, how hard, how far, how hard
Inside his mind he requires more
Careless of all but that single little sore
Ticking time bomb, waiting to be scarred, waiting to be free, waiting to be scarred
Itching until he brings it back to start again
Objecting to any question about it but that of when
Nearing yet a further destination, another graveyard, another bed, another graveyard

Meanwhile, Mercedes ignored the message

“Reality has been scheduled for regular maintenance…”

That was not what James wanted to hear today. How come every time he went out without Mercedes something had to go wrong?

“…and so is temporarily down.”

“I knew it.” He sighed, shifting his bag over his shoulder. Things looked normal around him, but he knew better than to take that for granted. The elephant who had been watching him over the fence had stopped eating the chocolate leaves for goodness sakes. He never thought he would see that happen. She was still staring at him though, Mercedes thought he was being paranoid.

“Please stand by patiently and it should be back up soon.”

James didn’t move his feet. He really didn’t like having to stand in one place for very long, he hoped this would resolve itself soon.

“Thank you.”

And for some time, James waited for reality to come back.

There are makeup tutorials online

Being undead was actually fine. It would have been better if people didn’t point and scream every time they saw her. Kind of a downer. She didn’t look that great, sure, but it was a bit insulting.

She used to think she didn’t mind what people thought of her, but because this was such a drastic reaction, she knew she would have to do something about it. With a sigh, she went to the department store to buy makeup.

It wasn’t something she knew much about, never having worn much in life. She tried to get the staff to help her, but they were too busy doing that point and scream thing, so she did research on her phone instead. Makeup was a lot more complicated than she remembered it being.

In the end, she figured out what she might try to make her face look normal enough that people wouldn’t break out screaming. She went through the self checkout, because the camera watching her to make sure she didn’t steal anything didn’t actually care what she looked like as long as she paid.

Then she went home to try it out.

Well, some of it really was nice

It probably said something about him that he was actually enjoying hell.

“Wasn’t the temperature supposed to be way one side or the other?” he asked the devil who accompanied him. At the very least, he assumed she was some sort of devil. She looked like a blonde member of some governmental agency. He also assumed that would make sense of a worker of hell.

“What do you mean?” She lit a cigarette.

This was definitely hell, he supposed, but he didn’t mind that either. She looked rather sexy while doing so and he doubted it was going to adversely affect her health. “People think that hell is supposed to be fire, right? But I assumed it could also be freezing cold down here too.”

She could have rolled her eyes, but she didn’t. “That’s the first misconception. Down here? We aren’t down anywhere. This isn’t the physical plane of existence, so it isn’t higher or lower than where you were living. It’s not there.”

That wasn’t answering his question, but looking out at the beautiful, comfortable dusk before him, the unending green in front of him, he supposed it didn’t matter. Sure, there were all the bodies over there, but that happened with the living too.

Yep, it said something about him all right.

My phone is possessed

“I’m sorry sir, but I think my phone is possessed isn’t covered under the warranty.”

“Why not?”

“What are you using to call right now, sir?”

“My brother’s phone. Look, do you want to hear how possessed this is?”

“Sir-”

​YOUR SOUL HAS CONSUMED YOUR HEART AND I NEED IT

“Sir?”

“ISN’T THAT POSSESSED?”

“Sir, that sounds like the ghost in the finale episode of Gary’s House. I don’t think that’s a posses-”

“YOU JUST SAID GHOST!”